Gathering Ourselves Together: Plant Allies to Support Connection Without Burnout

The season of Solstice - both Winter and Summer - can be a time of increased gatherings and social outings with friends and family. Some of these get-togethers are easier to attend than others. Almost all of these gatherings draw us out of our normal everyday lives into extensively social ones with all the feelings, expectations, and (hopefully!) joy that can come with them. For those with social anxiety or neurodiversities which make social gatherings challenging, as well as empaths and highly sensitive folks, there can be an extra layer sensory and energetic input to have to contend with. Through all of the ups and downs and in-betweens of social gatherings it's important to take care of yourself and allow yourself to be cared for (Reach out for support! Ask for help!) in ways that help you connect better with those you love. 

So before you head out to gather with others, here are a few herbs that help you gather yourself together first.

All of the plants I'm discussing below can also be used as flower essences if that is what you have on hand or are inspired to create your own. Each of these herbs can be blended with the other whether as a tea or tincture, herbal bath or oil. I have chosen plants that are easy to find at local co-ops or from herbalists, easy to grow if you have the time and space, and are all considered generally safe (with the minor exception that some folks with ragweed allergies are sensitive to Chamomile). 

image via @yoyoqua

Chamomile (Matricaria chamomilla)

Chamomile (Matricaria chamomilla) is a gentle ally for all ages. If you're going to be eating and drinking together with others, Chamomile can be a great either before eating or after a meal as a tea or tincture. The herb is a gentle form of digestive bitters and while lively meals in different places and times than we are used to eating can be a joy, it can sometimes be a bit of a strain on the digestive tract. Chamomile also offers emotional support as a nervine (i.e. nervous system tonic) and is particularly useful for those folks who feel stress, anxiety, and general upset in their stomach. One of the key indicators for Chamomile is someone who is quick to anger and irritation when they find themselves in uncomfortable or stressful situations - if this is you, Chamomile might be a great ally to work with. It can also be a great herb to prepare as a milky tea for little ones in your life who struggle with the unexpected nature of new places. Learn more about Chamomile and all of it's healing qualities.

image via @phillip_larking

Lemon Balm (Melissa officinalis)

Lemon Balm (Melissa officinalis) is a magickal plant. I mean, all plants are magickal, so Lemon Balm is not particularly unique in that sense, but it is one of those plants whose magick feels incredibly relevant to our modern struggles. A few years back I was really struggling with social situations of all sorts and feeling more and more like I would be permanently on the outside looking in. Walking under the Full Moon feeling decidedly un-enchanted but casting spells in the ways that Witches do when they go walking while in great need, I felt drawn to a Lemon Balm plant growing on the side of the road in a tiny strip of garden (Goddess bless these slivers of tenaciously verdant refuges in urban spaces and those who care for them). Sitting with them, illuminated by moonlight, I found myself in the presence of a great harmonious hum. What I learned from Lemon Balm, plant of Bee Priestesses, was that there was a way to be in harmony with the collective without having to make myself into something I was not and without feeling over-run by social interactions. Were all my issues healed there on the spot as a hummed along with Lemon Balm under the Full Moon light? No, but they showed me a possibility that I didn't think possible for me, helping me remember that to harmonize takes a lot of different types of noises, lots of different types of people, but a harmony can exist between them all. 

Lemon Balm is a plant of life and joy, but it has this amazing power to help us feel in harmony with the world around us instead of constantly out of step. Perhaps this is the way the plant works on our nervous system, helping to bring about a state of homeostasis. Or maybe it is the way that Lemon Balm clears brain fog and helps us focus on what it is we want and need in our lives. What I've found over the many years of working with Lemon Balm is that they have a way of filtering out the noise so that we can connect with the hum. It can be social media noise, the noise of exhaustion and stress (it is a classic herb for postpartum for these reasons), the noise of self-doubt or whatever noise is isolating you these days. When it comes to social events and gatherings, these can be noisy events whether literally or emotionally, and Lemon Balm can be a beautiful ally to work with to help you feel connected to the situation at hand but not overwhelmed by it. I recommend taking Lemon Balm over an extended period of time for best results, but having the tea or tincture with you as you gather with others can be helpful for acute situations, too. Feeling inspired by Lemon Balm? Read more about them.

image by author

Calendula (Calendula officinalis)

Have you ever experienced Calendula (Calendula officinalis) herbal oil? For a lot of practitioners trained in western herbalism the making of Calendula oil is a nearly ubiquitous experience in the first year of training. This was certainly true for me and it's because if a practitioner of western herbalism is likely to use an herbal oil in their practice Calendula is probably going to be at the top of the list because it comes from an abundantly available, self-seeding plant and is just so heart-blossomingly lovely to use. What I love about Calendula oil, especially if you are using it in the winter months, is that it brings some summer courage and confidence to the physical and energetic body. Taking care not just of our physical body, but our energetic ones, is necessary when we're gathering with others, especially in situations that are less than ideal. Calendula sings "I know who I am and I love it!" and helps us feel the same especially when we are met with dismissal or cruelty at our self-expression and truth-living (hello especially to my beautiful alphabet soup and trans and nonconforming queerdos whose families of origins haven't been able to see you yet). Of course, you can use Calendula in tea or tincture form, and it is wonderful in baths and as a hydrosol, but I think there is a brave sort of magick that emerges from blessing your physical form with the oil of this bright blossom before entering into the fray of social situations. If you're resonating with what I've written so far about Calendula be sure to read more about them.

image source

Milky Oat (Avena sativa)

I love Milky Oat (Avena sativa) and Milky Oat loves you. A powerful and nourishing nervous system tonic, Milky Oat is a beloved plant ally of mine. While you can read my whole profile on them, what I want to focus on for this post is the way that Milky Oat helps us to healing parental energies. There are a few herbs which seem to help us humans connect with a spirit of a kind and generous parent, like Motherwort (Leonurus cardiaca) and Pine (Pinus sylvestris), and I find Milky Oat to fit well into this category. When kids grow up not getting the appropriate levels of emotional security and attachment from the parental figures in their life this often leads to a dysregulation of the nervous system (and often intense burnout around the first Saturn Return, i.e. when folks are about to enter into their third decade of life). Milky Oat can help to repair the nervous system and teach it how to find homeostasis all while making space for folks to re-parent their inner child even while they are interacting with and sometimes still parenting their own parents.

They’re a great plant ally as adjunct support before and after therapy sessions as well as if you're spending any time at home during the winter or even if you're sticking away from family but the holidays bring up a lot of feelings. What I love about working with plants when it comes to our big and complicated feelings is that we don't have to worry about wearing out our welcome with them. You could spend hours in a field of Milky Oat telling them your problems and they will continue to dance and sway with gentle encouragement. But what's even more magickal about herbs and how they help us experience our feelings is that they help guide us to the people and places we need to meet in order to feel more whole and better supported. If what I've written about Milky Oat resonates with you, be sure to check out the full profile I've written and especially the section on the Milky Oat personality.

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If you're looking for more support of the divinatory persuasion, here's a spread to help clarify the dynamic of any kind of relationship and here's one to help you connect with your future self (because getting together with family can sometimes make us feel like we're stuck in the past). If creating lists and systems is the way that you cope with the added stress of the holidays, how about putting together a winter apothecary? Or a deep dive into the energetics of traditional western herbalism?

Another practice that I find essential for navigating social spaces is breathwork so I've shared my favorite simple breathwork meditation to help you ground and center. Because while we don’t always have access to plant medicine we always have access to our breath.

Wherever the season finds you, may you find lots of rest and plenty of peace.

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